Sara Perchan, who I lived with during my time on the mountain, wrote a poem called "Remember. Never Forget." and I feel that it displays much of the emotion I have felt and continue to feel about leaving Uganda, so I decided to share it with you. I think it's quite beautiful and well written.
(by the way, I added some names to fit my personal relationships in parentheses.)
Remember. Never forget.
Where are you, my children? My beautiful children.
Where are you now?
Do you remember me?
Me, Sara (Lauren), your aunt, your sister, your friend.
The one who never came back.
The one who left you on the mountain.
Children.
The days have gone by and I still see your smiles.
Smiles that captured my heart,
I close my eyes, day after day, remembering you.
The images will never leave me.
No one here can understand.
About you.
About the mountain.
About the problems.
About who I really am.
Children.
Not one day has gone by without my thinking of you.
Remembering the mountain.
I will carry the burden of leaving you. My heart aches.
I cannot bear the weight of my decision.
Do you understand why I left?
Does anyone?
Do I?
Children.
I cannot forget.
Namaganda and Charity. My daughters. (David. My son.)
Jackie and Jennifer. My sisters. (Babra, Shadia and Winnie. My sisters.)
David and Jospeh. My brothers. (Rock and Pius. My brothers.)
I close my eyes and long for you.
For the innocent days before the darkness became too dark too ignore.
For the hope of a future together.
For the prayers of what might have been.
I hope my children will forgive me.
(Remember. Never forget.)
Sara Perchan
October 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Two months later.
I doubt that anyone still checks this, but I thought that I would update just in case.
I returned on August 9th and today's date is October 9th. I have been home for two months now. I can still hear the kids' voices and laughter so clearly in my mind, however, that I often feel like that much time could not have passed already. The children have not left my mind for longer than a period of a couple hours in which I am usually sleeping. The conversations that we had still play over in my mind. The laughter and adventures that we shared still bring smiles to my face. The issues that effect them still break my heart. Their names are still uttered in my every prayer. Jireh is still a very present part of my daily life.
The Spring '08 semester was a very difficult one for me and I feel that God gave me a time of peace at Jireh by taking me away from my stresses, worries and concerns for a short time. He used that time to whisper reminders of His love, to remind me of what is important, to align my heart with His, to speak truth to me through the mouths of children (and my amazing roommate). During my time at Jireh, I feel like God further developed my character and allowed me to begin to view myself through His eyes, instead of the eyes of those who surround me here in America. I am so grateful for the time that I was able to spend and the lessons that I learned there.
The transition back to American culture has been a difficult one. Honestly, I often feel that I would rather live on top of a mountain surrounded by loving children, realizing what is truly important and allowing God to provide instead of having internet, electricity and running water at the tip of my fingers. I struggle with the idea that I am spending thousands of dollars and hours gaining an education, instead of getting out and helping the kids. I feel so complacent and distracted and am stuggling to understand my purpose here for the moment.
In the last two weeks, God has reminded me of the vision and mission that He gave me when He first called me to Jireh: to be a voice for the voiceless, to speak for the ones who cannot speak for themselves. He has revealed ways that I can apply that vision to my life here. He has shown me people who are broken and hurting right before my eyes. He has revealed to me a career path in which I can apply this vision. He has allowed me to still be a voice for the children at Jireh.
Although I do not completely know where this journey of life is headed at this point, I know that I am going in the right direction. I am where God wants me to be for the moment. And the children of Jireh are safely nested in my heart. We will walk this journey together.
I returned on August 9th and today's date is October 9th. I have been home for two months now. I can still hear the kids' voices and laughter so clearly in my mind, however, that I often feel like that much time could not have passed already. The children have not left my mind for longer than a period of a couple hours in which I am usually sleeping. The conversations that we had still play over in my mind. The laughter and adventures that we shared still bring smiles to my face. The issues that effect them still break my heart. Their names are still uttered in my every prayer. Jireh is still a very present part of my daily life.
The Spring '08 semester was a very difficult one for me and I feel that God gave me a time of peace at Jireh by taking me away from my stresses, worries and concerns for a short time. He used that time to whisper reminders of His love, to remind me of what is important, to align my heart with His, to speak truth to me through the mouths of children (and my amazing roommate). During my time at Jireh, I feel like God further developed my character and allowed me to begin to view myself through His eyes, instead of the eyes of those who surround me here in America. I am so grateful for the time that I was able to spend and the lessons that I learned there.
The transition back to American culture has been a difficult one. Honestly, I often feel that I would rather live on top of a mountain surrounded by loving children, realizing what is truly important and allowing God to provide instead of having internet, electricity and running water at the tip of my fingers. I struggle with the idea that I am spending thousands of dollars and hours gaining an education, instead of getting out and helping the kids. I feel so complacent and distracted and am stuggling to understand my purpose here for the moment.
In the last two weeks, God has reminded me of the vision and mission that He gave me when He first called me to Jireh: to be a voice for the voiceless, to speak for the ones who cannot speak for themselves. He has revealed ways that I can apply that vision to my life here. He has shown me people who are broken and hurting right before my eyes. He has revealed to me a career path in which I can apply this vision. He has allowed me to still be a voice for the children at Jireh.
Although I do not completely know where this journey of life is headed at this point, I know that I am going in the right direction. I am where God wants me to be for the moment. And the children of Jireh are safely nested in my heart. We will walk this journey together.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Faces for the names.
I am not quite ready to update you on life back in the states yet, so I have decided to post a couple pictures so you can see a little bit of what my eyes got to see.
This is Nathanael, the baby I fell in love with at Amani Baby Cottage in Jinja. He's got the greatest smile in the world, for sure.
This is Senyondo David, the nursery class boy that runs to me every morning with open arms. And yes, that is the smile that lights up my life. :)
Meet Mukisa Rock, my crazy but amazing little brother. The name Mukisa means blessing and that is exactly what he is. :)
This is Erik Kabanda, the little boy that I sponsor and met through World Vision. :)
This is Sara Perchan, the amazing woman that I had the pleasure of sharing a room with, taking a nap with our precious puppies. Within the next two weeks, Sara will become the only long-termer on the mountain because the others are leaving. Keep her in your prayers, please.
There isn't really a special meaning behind this picture, it just makes me feel warm and cozy inside. Amazing kids and bubbles, what more do you need in life?
These kids are, without a doubt, the most amazing kids at Jireh. This is all of my favorite, most special kids in one picture! :)
These kids are, without a doubt, the most amazing kids at Jireh. This is all of my favorite, most special kids in one picture! :)
That's all I have for now. I will try to update again soon with some thoughts and reflections. Until then, think about and pray for these kids. :)
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Week 8
This weekend brought quite a surprise to Sara and I. We walked to a nearby field to watch the kids play football. We weren't even there for five minutes before the kids ran to us with puppies that they had found abandoned in a bush. Their eyes weren't opened yet, so they were very young, not to mention starving and tired, so Sara and I decided to take them home with us! The kids all think that we are crazy (most of them are scared of the dogs because they aren't used to seeing them as pets), but the kids are adjusting to them quite nicely. Unfortunately, one of the puppies passed away lastnight, but two remain - Gift and Patience. :)
The kids are beginning to realize that I am leaving next Friday and it has been rough. Hard to tell them that it's okay and need to just enjoy the time that we have left. Hard to convince them that they have made a huge impact on my life and I will not forget them. Hard because I want to ignore that the time is approaching. Hard because some of them have already started to distance themselves.
There are about six kids that I have gotten super close to and I have started writing letters that I will leave with them when I go. It's difficult to put feelings and memories into words, but it is important that they realize how much I love them and how much I have learned about love because of them. It's unbelievable how, despite the language/culture/age barriers, they have loved me and cared for me more unconditionally than many other friends that I have had in my lifetime. I have learned from them what it means to really love others more than yourself. I am hoping that I can implement that kind of love into my daily life when I return so other can experience a piece of what I have experienced here.
I just finished reading "Through Painted Deserts" by Donald Miller, in which he leaves home and travels the U.S. in a van with a friend. In it, he says "It feels again like we are leaving, like we are leaving who we were and moving into the people we will become." That is how I feel. I am not quite sure who I am becoming, but I know that I am definitely different than the person I was before I left home.
This is the last update I will make from Uganda, because I have only one week remaining and want to spend as much time as possible with the kids. I will update when I arrive back home to tell you about my last week, as well as the joys of culture shock and jet lag.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. LOVE.
The kids are beginning to realize that I am leaving next Friday and it has been rough. Hard to tell them that it's okay and need to just enjoy the time that we have left. Hard to convince them that they have made a huge impact on my life and I will not forget them. Hard because I want to ignore that the time is approaching. Hard because some of them have already started to distance themselves.
There are about six kids that I have gotten super close to and I have started writing letters that I will leave with them when I go. It's difficult to put feelings and memories into words, but it is important that they realize how much I love them and how much I have learned about love because of them. It's unbelievable how, despite the language/culture/age barriers, they have loved me and cared for me more unconditionally than many other friends that I have had in my lifetime. I have learned from them what it means to really love others more than yourself. I am hoping that I can implement that kind of love into my daily life when I return so other can experience a piece of what I have experienced here.
I just finished reading "Through Painted Deserts" by Donald Miller, in which he leaves home and travels the U.S. in a van with a friend. In it, he says "It feels again like we are leaving, like we are leaving who we were and moving into the people we will become." That is how I feel. I am not quite sure who I am becoming, but I know that I am definitely different than the person I was before I left home.
This is the last update I will make from Uganda, because I have only one week remaining and want to spend as much time as possible with the kids. I will update when I arrive back home to tell you about my last week, as well as the joys of culture shock and jet lag.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. LOVE.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Another busy week, many more wonderful memories...
Last Saturday, the Dutch team that is doing construction at Jireh ordered two lowrys so we could take all of the kids to Nabugabu Beach! We piled all of the kids and ourselves onto the lowrys - girls on one, boys on the other - and off we went to Nabugabu, singing the whole way. While Nabugabu is far different than Huntington Beach, we had an amazing day! It was so much fun to watch the kids splash around in the water, laugh, play football (soccer) and just enjoy time away from school. I also got a lovely surprise...Emily, a girl from my team who was staying in Jinja met us there! I had so much fun catching up with her, laughing and taking pictures!
Perhaps the biggest highlight of the week was meeting Eric Kabanda, the child that I have been sponsoring through Worldvision for almost two years now. A truck from worldvision came to the mountain and picked me up on Tuesday morning, they then took me 70km north of Kampala to the village where Eric lives. When we arrived at his house, his 5 siblings, mother, two stepfathers, grandparents, and some other friends were all there to greet me! Eric is a very shy boy, but when I greeted him in Luganda, he smiled and after I spent some time there he warmed up to me. I was able to see the pump where he fetches water, his church and his school. I even met his teacher! After the tour of his village, we exchanged gifts. I brought a backpack filled with toys - bubbles, a slinky, an etch-a-sketch, paint, markers, a notepad, balls, glowsticks, candy - so I got to show Eric and his siblings how to play with all of the new toys. Eric's family gave me an amazing array of fruit - bananas, mangoes, guava, passion fruit, jac fruit - and Eric gave me some other special gifts that I will treasure forever. It was an awesome experience!
As far as Jireh goes, the kids have been teaching me more Luganda words, they finally approve of my clothes washing abilities and I was given a Luganda name, "Sanyu," which means "happy." I have been spending every moment of sunlight (when the kids are not in class) with the kids, just enjoying the time that I have left. I have had some amazing, encouraging, comforting, and inspiring conversations, made some new friends, and gotten more attached to the old ones. It has been great.
I am so grateful that God has brought me to Jireh. Everyday I am reminded how amazing God is - whether through the beautiful landscape, children singing, a conversation or a simple moment. It's so easy for me to see His presence here. The trick will be understanding that God has equally amazing ways of revealing Himself to me when I am back home. I know that He does, I just need to work on not getting distracted and looking for Him in everything.
I have only two weeks remaining, and I know that it will be extremely difficult to say goodbye, but I am so grateful for the relationships that I have developed and the lessons that I have learned. They are remarkable - far better than I ever could have imagined.
Perhaps the biggest highlight of the week was meeting Eric Kabanda, the child that I have been sponsoring through Worldvision for almost two years now. A truck from worldvision came to the mountain and picked me up on Tuesday morning, they then took me 70km north of Kampala to the village where Eric lives. When we arrived at his house, his 5 siblings, mother, two stepfathers, grandparents, and some other friends were all there to greet me! Eric is a very shy boy, but when I greeted him in Luganda, he smiled and after I spent some time there he warmed up to me. I was able to see the pump where he fetches water, his church and his school. I even met his teacher! After the tour of his village, we exchanged gifts. I brought a backpack filled with toys - bubbles, a slinky, an etch-a-sketch, paint, markers, a notepad, balls, glowsticks, candy - so I got to show Eric and his siblings how to play with all of the new toys. Eric's family gave me an amazing array of fruit - bananas, mangoes, guava, passion fruit, jac fruit - and Eric gave me some other special gifts that I will treasure forever. It was an awesome experience!
As far as Jireh goes, the kids have been teaching me more Luganda words, they finally approve of my clothes washing abilities and I was given a Luganda name, "Sanyu," which means "happy." I have been spending every moment of sunlight (when the kids are not in class) with the kids, just enjoying the time that I have left. I have had some amazing, encouraging, comforting, and inspiring conversations, made some new friends, and gotten more attached to the old ones. It has been great.
I am so grateful that God has brought me to Jireh. Everyday I am reminded how amazing God is - whether through the beautiful landscape, children singing, a conversation or a simple moment. It's so easy for me to see His presence here. The trick will be understanding that God has equally amazing ways of revealing Himself to me when I am back home. I know that He does, I just need to work on not getting distracted and looking for Him in everything.
I have only two weeks remaining, and I know that it will be extremely difficult to say goodbye, but I am so grateful for the relationships that I have developed and the lessons that I have learned. They are remarkable - far better than I ever could have imagined.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Lessons.
The past week and a half has gone by so quickly and has been so filled that I find it difficult to organize and recount the events.
Janet (the sponsorship coordinator), Heather, Jacob and I spent a week taking photos of and getting information for each of the 250+ children at Jireh. We had the sponsored children write letters and draw pictures for their sponsors. We compared family lists to the information we had to figure out who actually lives at Jireh and who are the day scholars. Heather, Jacob and Julie then put all of the information in the computer. Needless to say, it was a lot of work, but we accomplished a lot!
The Texas Team left yesterday morning and it was sad to see them go. They really became my team and they accepted me as one of their own. Watching their tearful goodbyes made me so glad that I don't have to leave yet, but it made me realize how difficult it will be to say goodbye. The kids have become my life and each of them hold a different piece of my heart and my day. I am going to make the most of my last three weeks here, because time is too short.
We were faced with several small injustices this past week and I am in the process of learning how to handle them in a healthy way. Whether they are in the form of jiggers in a boy's foot, sores on a girl's head, having to send barefoot pre-schoolers to walk home in the rain without jackets, or children not receiving enough food, I can't break down crying and I can't write it off with a simple "This is Africa..." I am learning to be a problem solver and to simply love when nothing else works.
I am learning to focus on the good, to see past the pain and hurt and to remember that God is good. I got to give out 300 glowsticks and hear the kids laugh and play. I have had the chance to spend a couple evenings in the Nissi girls dorm talking, laughing and building relationships. I have a nursery child named David who runs to me with open arms every morning, whose smile lights up my life. I have a crazy 16-year old "little brother" named Rock...an answer to a Christmas wish from long ago. ;) Really, the list goes on and on. God is good.
I am reading The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne and he talks about a Mother Theresa quote that says, "Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts and then love more." I think that has been the biggest lesson I have learned here. Loving with everything that I have because THEY hurt. Pouring myself out in hopes that they can be filled. Being fully here because there is nowhere else I'd rather be. Falling in love, giving everything that I have because I just dont care about myself anymore.
The lessons I am learning are difficult, but they are beautiful. And I know, without a doubt, that there is nowhere I'd rather be learning them and no one I'd rather learn them from.
Janet (the sponsorship coordinator), Heather, Jacob and I spent a week taking photos of and getting information for each of the 250+ children at Jireh. We had the sponsored children write letters and draw pictures for their sponsors. We compared family lists to the information we had to figure out who actually lives at Jireh and who are the day scholars. Heather, Jacob and Julie then put all of the information in the computer. Needless to say, it was a lot of work, but we accomplished a lot!
The Texas Team left yesterday morning and it was sad to see them go. They really became my team and they accepted me as one of their own. Watching their tearful goodbyes made me so glad that I don't have to leave yet, but it made me realize how difficult it will be to say goodbye. The kids have become my life and each of them hold a different piece of my heart and my day. I am going to make the most of my last three weeks here, because time is too short.
We were faced with several small injustices this past week and I am in the process of learning how to handle them in a healthy way. Whether they are in the form of jiggers in a boy's foot, sores on a girl's head, having to send barefoot pre-schoolers to walk home in the rain without jackets, or children not receiving enough food, I can't break down crying and I can't write it off with a simple "This is Africa..." I am learning to be a problem solver and to simply love when nothing else works.
I am learning to focus on the good, to see past the pain and hurt and to remember that God is good. I got to give out 300 glowsticks and hear the kids laugh and play. I have had the chance to spend a couple evenings in the Nissi girls dorm talking, laughing and building relationships. I have a nursery child named David who runs to me with open arms every morning, whose smile lights up my life. I have a crazy 16-year old "little brother" named Rock...an answer to a Christmas wish from long ago. ;) Really, the list goes on and on. God is good.
I am reading The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne and he talks about a Mother Theresa quote that says, "Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts and then love more." I think that has been the biggest lesson I have learned here. Loving with everything that I have because THEY hurt. Pouring myself out in hopes that they can be filled. Being fully here because there is nowhere else I'd rather be. Falling in love, giving everything that I have because I just dont care about myself anymore.
The lessons I am learning are difficult, but they are beautiful. And I know, without a doubt, that there is nowhere I'd rather be learning them and no one I'd rather learn them from.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
My dreads are gone...
Yes, it's true. The secondary girs have decided that my dreads were not good enough and took them out! It was quite a long and painful process, but they have assured me that they will fix them African style. Hooray! I am not really sure why I mentioned that first. It definitely was not most important...
Anyway, this week has been pretty great, how could it not be? I am in a beautiful place, surrounded by beautiful people, loving on children all day long. I LOVE IT! Because there is no electricity on the mountain, I gave my camera batteries and charger to Jim and Robin to be charged, but they have not made it back up yet, so I am at a standstill as far as progress goes. I only have pictures finished for part of one family. AY! I am working on complete lists for each family and figuring out who actually lives at Jireh and who is a day schooler. It's quite tedious, because records are all handwritten and much of the information is inaccurate, but it's all good.
The kids are amazing and I absolutely love spending time with them, asking questions, answering questions, pretending that I know Luganda, having them teach me Luganda. We
laugh alot and I am cherishing every moment, trying to spend every second of daylight with them!
I spoke about Mackie's sister, Susan, in a previous post, but have since found out that she is not Mackie's sister afterall. WOW, crazy, eh? Susan was just her best friend, NOT her sister. There is another girl at Jireh named Winnie who has the same dad as Mackie, but a different mother. Mackie's mom raised Winnie as her own, though. Winnie and I have been spending a lot of time together the last two weeks. She told me about the day that Mackie died, and she even showed me the letters and pictures that I had sent to Mackie. She has a picture of my family that she keeps with her and she prays for us everyday! I am just glad that I get to love on her sister still, even though it's not who I thought it was! Haha...
I have a wonderful new friend named Sara who will be at Jireh for nine months! Her and I have been spending a lot of time together and she has been a real encouragement. It's really nice to have a fellow mzungu around...someone who really understands (and speaks your language)!
Time is running low...long story short, I LOVE BEING HERE and things are going great. God is amazing and His presence is obvious everyday. He has blessed me with wonderful friends - mzungus and ugandans. And my phone is fixed so I got to talk to my momma!! Thank you all for your love and support! I will write again next week!
Anyway, this week has been pretty great, how could it not be? I am in a beautiful place, surrounded by beautiful people, loving on children all day long. I LOVE IT! Because there is no electricity on the mountain, I gave my camera batteries and charger to Jim and Robin to be charged, but they have not made it back up yet, so I am at a standstill as far as progress goes. I only have pictures finished for part of one family. AY! I am working on complete lists for each family and figuring out who actually lives at Jireh and who is a day schooler. It's quite tedious, because records are all handwritten and much of the information is inaccurate, but it's all good.
The kids are amazing and I absolutely love spending time with them, asking questions, answering questions, pretending that I know Luganda, having them teach me Luganda. We
laugh alot and I am cherishing every moment, trying to spend every second of daylight with them!
I spoke about Mackie's sister, Susan, in a previous post, but have since found out that she is not Mackie's sister afterall. WOW, crazy, eh? Susan was just her best friend, NOT her sister. There is another girl at Jireh named Winnie who has the same dad as Mackie, but a different mother. Mackie's mom raised Winnie as her own, though. Winnie and I have been spending a lot of time together the last two weeks. She told me about the day that Mackie died, and she even showed me the letters and pictures that I had sent to Mackie. She has a picture of my family that she keeps with her and she prays for us everyday! I am just glad that I get to love on her sister still, even though it's not who I thought it was! Haha...
I have a wonderful new friend named Sara who will be at Jireh for nine months! Her and I have been spending a lot of time together and she has been a real encouragement. It's really nice to have a fellow mzungu around...someone who really understands (and speaks your language)!
Time is running low...long story short, I LOVE BEING HERE and things are going great. God is amazing and His presence is obvious everyday. He has blessed me with wonderful friends - mzungus and ugandans. And my phone is fixed so I got to talk to my momma!! Thank you all for your love and support! I will write again next week!
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